Thirteen Reasons Why

WELL....haven't been on here for awhile. :) Been really busy with school and stuff but now that I'm on a break (which consists of SAT, Willy Wonka at least 3 times a week, Finals, Starting E.E., Learning to drive again, family stuff, financial garbage, having a severely broken heart, PMEs, World Lit Papers, and what-not). I finally got a chance to read something not required while simultaneously avoiding Akmatova journals (tehe!). I bought it like a week ago along with my E.E books (which I should start reading sometime soon...) and it finally arrived on Friday. I managed to finish the book today & my 10023840723984792 assessment statements that are due on Monday (wooop!) I feel mighty accomplished if I do say so myself...Anyways the book is 'Thirteen Reasons Why' by Jay Asher. Really interesting concept and story...and it helps that I'm slightly obsessed with suicide (Is that creepy? Okay well you can't deny people who commit suicide are interesting. Have you read Virginia Woolf's suicide note? If not here it is:
"I feel certain that I am going mad again. I feel we can't go through another of those terrible times. And I shan't recover this time. I begin to hear voices, and I can't concentrate. So I am doing what seems the best thing to do. You have given me the greatest possible happiness. You have been in every way all that anyone could be. I don't think two people could have been happier 'til this terrible disease came. I can't fight any longer. I know that I am spoiling your life, that without me you could work. And you will I know. You see I can't even write this properly. I can't read. What I want to say is I owe all the happiness of my life to you. You have been entirely patient with me and incredibly good. I want to say that — everybody knows it. If anybody could have saved me it would have been you. Everything has gone from me but the certainty of your goodness. I can't go on spoiling your life any longer. I don't think two people could have been happier than we have been. V." Yeah I'm also obsessed with her. She's a great author though. One of her books 'Jacob's Room' has almost NO plot...its like the randomest things that are connected in an odd sort of way. Its kind of like when you find out two people you know know each other but you don't know that they know each other.)
Anyways, as usual some excerpts:

"If my love were an ocean,
there would be no more land.
If my love were a desert,
you would only see sand.
If my love were a star-
late at night, only light.
And if my love could grow wings,
I'd be soaring in flight" (I'm a hopeless romantic. This is so cute...really cheesy but cute)

"If you hear a song that makes you cry and you don't want to cry anymore, you don't listen to that song anymore. But you can't get away from yourself. You can't decide no to see yourself anymore. You can't decide to turn off the noise in your head" (God I know how that feels. Sometimes you just want to escape from yourself. From you memories and from your thoughts. Sometimes you just want to stop thinking about things but no matter what you can't...)

"Two people-me and him-one house. Yet he drove away with no idea of his link to me, the girl on the sidewalk. And for some reason, at that moment, the air felt heavy. Filled with loneliness. And that loneliness stayed with me for the rest of the night."

"His lack of interest was a reminder...You can't go back to how things were. How you thought they were. All you really have is now" (Carpe Diem)

"I wanted to tell you everything. And that hurt because some things were too scary. Some things even I didn't understand. How could I tell someone-someone I was really talking to for the first time-everything I was thinking?"

" 'The thing is,' I say, 'I never really missed her till now.' " (This I think was the focal point of it all. People never really realize how much a person effects their life until they are no longer in it, and then there is regret. They wished they had treated them better, wish they had done more. You only notice how great something is when its taken away from you. I think that's a part of most suicide's thoughts. You should learn a lesson from their death, so as self-ish as most believe them to be for not 'considering all the pain and suffering of those who care about them, for only considering their own feelings' they trying to make you see. They want to show you that you need to adjust your ways and you need to appreciate those you care about because what may seem like something insignificant in your eyes could be the final straw for them.)

"A lot of you cared, just not enough. And that...that is what I needed to find out."



Overall great book. I mean it wasn't the BEST thing ever. There were a lot of concepts I wanted the author to address in more detail and make more understandable to the reader but it is a teen novel (can't expect too much psychological depth...then it would be a different genre. No offense to teen novels or anything). I'm probably going to be posting poems next but I have to flip through the books to decide which ones I love the most. Maybe Wuthering Heights will be in here soon too (maybe...that one's kind of time consuming :/)

The Confusion! The Sheer Confusion!

well last night was....strange to say the least.One minute we're both talking about everyday things and it seems like nothing's changed. The next I'm crying and trying to explain my feelings and trying to get you to explain yours. I am now more confused then ever. Part of me feels like there's hope and another part of me thinks my though-process is drawing ridiculously stupid conclusions, and another part of me wants to shoot the other parts in the throat...I want to be in your life. I do. But its just SO painful and I feel that it will just make things worse right now because I'll fall in love all over again. It will probably take about 30 years for me to see you as just a friend (if that ever happens) or to love you as a friend and not as more. But things you said made me so confused. The points that we agreed upon make sense until you get to where we are right now...what you're saying is that you love but you don't want to be with me? You love me but you don't want to spend forever with me? I don't understand. Love isn't enough anymore? I realize that in order for a relationship to work it takes more than love but love is supposed to pull you through everything, right? Love conquers all, right? RIGHT?!?!? It's supposed to (unless all my ideas on love are wrong and if they are I refuse! I don't accept these terms and conditions!!!) Why is there a gray area for you? You either love someone and want to be with them or you don't love them and don't want to be with them. Black or white. I can't see a gray area....explain to me how what you're doing makes sense. There has to be a reason. You can't just not know. You have to be feeling something or nothing at all. Why are you making this so complicated?

This song came on last night and it was exactly what I wanted to hear. It sort of describes my feelings:
Don't Expect Me To Be Your Friend:

"I stopped sending flowers to your apartment
You said you aren't home much anymore
I stopped dropping by without an appointment
Cause I'd hear laughter coming through your door.

Sometimes late at night you'll still call me
Just before you close your eyes to sleep
You make me vow to try and stop by sometime
Baby that's a promise I can't keep.

I love you too much to ever start liking you
So lets just let the story kinda end
I love you too much to ever start liking you
So don't expect me to be your friend.

I don't walk down through the village or other places
That we used to go to all the time
I'm trying to erase you from my memory
Cause thinking of you jumbles up my mind.

You always act so happy when I see you
You smile that way you take my hand and then
Introduce me to your latest lover
That's when I feel the walls start crashing in."

Life Lessons

Here’s some things I’ve now engraved into stone. Don’t bitch at me for being pessimistic…these are tried and true (for me at least. Believe what you want to believe)

Lesson #8899826

Anything that can go wrong will go wrong 65% of the time

Lesson #98374928

No matter how hard you work or how much shit you’ve been through you don’t get what you deserve.

Lesson #36293462319023

At the end of the day all you have is yourself. No matter how much you trust someone, no matter how long they’ve been in your life, no matter what they say to you, everyone leaves.

Lesson #40293408230402394

No matter how much time, energy, money, and/or love you devote to someone it’s never going to be enough. NO matter what your friends tell you…

Lesson #98309480293804

The pain is not going to stop. You will never forget them but they sure as hell will forget you.

Lesson #234u0103402398402983nwlfjoaief

People who do nothing, who haven’t struggled for anything, who are generally stupid, irresponsible jerks will always win. Nice guys finish last.

Lesson #09234000234098230480239850328405320403490er9t873q045038493

Hoping that it will all get better, and doing everything you can do to what’s right and responsible does not necessarily mean that things will get better. In fact, it’ll all probably get worse. ‘Cause they universe likes to screw you over like that.

Lesson #019430r8yfduhojklmbh23qgywads8990i31204978qw6asrt890

Life is good.

What if I told you I love you?

These are my favorite quotes from a Current podcast:

uotes from the podcast I had on my profile:

“…and then I found it flattering. It’s flattering because you
think oh my god, somebody sees in me qualities that would make them fall in
love with me. That’s amazing!”

“I kind of hoped for closure, or some sort of end to things
hurting but you saying that means that the things I do still hurt your feelings…will
always still effect your feelings in a strong way. And it makes me sad.”

“I think people settle for people. A lot. …and I’m starting
to think maybe that’s what you do. Maybe that’s what happens, maybe that’s what
love is, settling for people. And you have these passionate affairs that are
kind of what we talk about love as being you know…it’s amazing….But they can’t
last cause they’re so intense they have to burn out.”

“How many times have I been in love? I’ve claimed it three
times. The first time I doubt it was the case…”

“I think you and me were in the hardest possible situation.
You love someone, you like someone, you trust someone; all the elements are
there but for whatever reason you can’t work out, it just doesn’t work.”

Late Night Conversation: The First Date

what was your first date like?

12:08amStefanie

amazing

I had to perform at this band thing

but we decided to spend the rest of the event together while everyone else went home

we stayed there for a few hours and then it started to rain

like pouring

and we kissed for a long time

just like in the movies you knw

*know

and Phil hates getting rained on

12:10amDaneile

when you said "you knw" thought you were getting all ghetto on me

i was like NOOO

12:10amStefanie

so finally I caved in and we sat in his car and talked

for a long time and he showed me his dog that recently died

who he grew up with

*pictures of his dog not the dog

12:10amDaneile

i think i remember you telling me this

in reynen's class last year

12:11amStefanie

and then we went to burger king 'cause I got hungry

and he bought me food

and his pants were soaked

and he did this cute little waddle thing

12:11amDaneile

seriously, why dont you just call him and tell him all these things

it'll have you not being confused anymore

and it'll clear some things up, so you wont have to be wondering anymore

12:12amStefanie

whenever he walked 'cause hates the feeling of wet clothes on his legs

and I was going to get up and get a napkin but he got it for me even though he hated the whole waddling thing

12:13amDaneile

"and he did this cute little waddle thing"

12:13amStefanie

and then we sat in his car for awhile

and made out

12:13amDaneile

lmao i do that too.

12:13amStefanie

:)

12:13amDaneile

i hate the feeling of we clothes on my leg

12:13amStefanie

meee tooo

and we were in a parking lot

and the most stand out moment was him looking up at me (I was sitting in his lap)

and I remember not wanting to blick

*blink

or leave

I remember feeling like I wanted to be able to do this for the rest of my life

and now I'm crying :(

12:15amDaneile

NOOO!

I'm sorry for asking!

12:15amStefanie

and then we went back to the show and

12:15amDaneile

Don't cry!

I wish i could be there with you to talk to you face to face :(

12:15amStefanie

we kissed in the rain again and some guy walked by and said "true love kissing in the rain"

and at that time I hadn't admitted to myself that I was in love

but I remember smiling and agreeing in my head

12:16amDaneile

AWE

12:17amStefanie

and then we had this conversation:Phil- "You know if you were in there you would have died."
Me-"Oh, yeah...and what would you do?"
Phil-"I would go on a homicidal rampage then kill myself."
Me-"Aaawww....that's the sweetest thing I've ever heard.
Phil-*chuckling* You're insane12:18amDaneile

AWE
STEFANIE!
Call him!
You must do it!
Pinky promise me or we wont be friends again
I MEAN IT!
I'm not talking tot you until you promise me that you'll call him and tell HIM ALL OF THIS
and if you dont do it, we wont be friends anymore
I'm serious

12:18amStefanie

he was talking about one of those cars that the police put on display so you know not to drink and drive

and that just made me feel so special and loved

I can't call him...

I don't think he'll pick up

and even if he does she'll probably be there

and he won't care about what I'm and he won't care about what I'm saying...

This is beyond ridiculous now...

you love him and you've been together for 30 years, and miss him, etc. Fine. I understand. But HOW do you go from hating him that much to being all giggly-best friends-forever-I'll-wait-for-you in such a short space of time? Ugh its so disgusting...I know you "love" him (actually I think you're just used to him being there & afraid to be alone) but aren't you supposed to love me too? I can't stand it...I'm moving out as soon as I'm 18. I don't care if I have to sell myself on the street in order to pay the rent. I don't care. I don't want live with you anymore. I can't live with someone like that...

Love In the Time of Cholera Quotes

Okay book overall...I can relate to a lot of the stuff happening in the book, especially Florentino (except for the whole having 600+ affairs. That one not so much...) A little detailed on the human anatomy (made me laugh sometimes though ) As usual...the quotes that spoke:

"...she felt an irresistible longing to begin life with him over again so that they could say what they had left unsaid and do everything right that they had done badly in the past."

"Florentino Ariza, on the other hand, had not stopped thinking of her for a single moment since Fermina Daza had rejected him out of hand after a long and troubled love affair fifty-one years, nine months, and four days ago. He did not have to keep a running tally...because not a day had passed that something did not happen to remind him of her."

"...and that casual glance was the beginning of a cataclysm [love that word!] of love that still had not ended half a century later."

" 'Take advantage of it now, while you are young, and suffer all you can...because these things don't last your whole life.' "

"It was the year they fell into devastaing love. Neither one could do anything except think about the other., dream about the other...Never in that delirious spring, or in the follwoing year did they have the opportunity to speak to each other. Moreover, from the moment they saw each other for the first time until he reiterated his determination half a century later, they never had the opportunity to be alone or to talk of their love."

"In reality they were distracted letters, intended to keep the coals alive without putting her hand in the fire, while Florentino Ariza burned himself alive in every line"

"There is no greater glory than to die for love"

"...and if she did not go made with despair it was becuase she always found relief in the memory of Florentino Ariza"

"...consumed in the fiery coals of reckless love"

"He was still too young to know that the heart's memory eliminates the bad and magnifies the good"

"...she saw the splendor of his perfect teeth between his rosy lips, she had felt an irresistible desire to devour him with kisses"

"That was always the case: any event, good or bad, had some relationship to her."

"...and then the being who loved her most, who would love her forever, would not even have the right to die for her."

"Fermina Daza would suffer one moment, one at least but in any event, when the phanotm of the sweetheart she ahd scorned, humiliated, and insulted would appear in her thoughts, and all her happiness would be destroyed"

"...in the hope that another love would cure him of the one that did not allow him to live"

"...she continued to evoke her husband's excellent qualities until daybreak, not reproaching him for any disloyalty other than his having died without her, which was mitiagted by her conviction that he had never belonged to her as much as he did now that he was in the coffin nailed shut with a dozen three-inch nails and two meters under the ground....'I am happy,' she said, 'because only now do I know for certain where he is when he is not at home.' "

"...and it was always without pretensions of loving or being loved, although always in the hope fo finding something that resembled love, but without the problems of love."

" 'I adore you beacuse you made me a whore'."

"...she intoxicated them with her charm."

"...a driving need for love, which no obstacle in this world or the next would ever break."

"...not because he did not want to open the chest where he had kept it so carefully hidden for half his life, but because he had realized only then that he had lost the key" (its a metaphor)

"...cry to her heart's content and to feel no shame, for there was no greater relief than weeping"

"Nor did she cherish that dream agian after her first formal fiance, whom she loved wiht the almost demented passion of which one is capable at the age of eighteen, broke the engagement one week before the date they had set for the wedding, and left her to wander the limbo of abandoned bride"

"In truth, he always behaved as if he were the eternal husband of Fermina Daza, an unfaithful husband but a tenacious one, who fought endlessly to free himself from his servitude without causing her the displeasure of a betrayal."

"...interrupting watever he was doing at any hour of the day to search for her along the uncertain pathways of his presentiments, on the most unlikely streets, in unreal places where she could not possibly be, wandering without reason, with a longing in his breast that gave him no rest until he saw her, even for an instant"

"...would only offer her wordly goods: security, order, happiness, contiguous numbers that once they were added together, might resemble love, almost be love. But they were not love, and these doubts increased her confusion."

"She knew that he loved her above all else, more than anyone else in the world, but only for his own sake..."

"He ws a perfect husband: he never picked up anything form the floor, or turned out a light, or closed a door."

"That is how she felt without him, feeling his presence where he no longer was..."

"...wherever she went wherever she turned, no matter what she was doing, she would come across something of his that would remind her of him."

"Then, overcome by nostalgia, she dared to recall for the first time the illusory days of that unreal love"

"And so she thought about him without wanting to, and the more she thought about him the angrier she became,and the angrier she became the more she thought about him, until it was something so unbearable her mind could no longer contain it."

"The purified memory of her husband, no longer an obstacle in her daily actions, in her private thoughts, in her simplest intentions, became a watchful presence that guided her but did not hinder her."

"...he felt pain in his heart and each beat echoed with a metalllic resonance in his arteries. He felt old, forlorn, useless, and his desire to cry was so urgent that he could not speak"

" 'But when a woman decides to sleep with a man, there is no wall she will not scale, no fortress she will not destory, no moral consideration she will not ignore at its very root: there is no God worth worrying about.' "

"It was as if they had leapt over the arduous calvary of conjugal life and gone straight to the heart of love. Tehy were together in silence like an old married couple wary of lif, beyond the pitfalls of passion, beyond the brutal mockery of hope and the phantoms of disillusion: beyond love. For they had lived together long enough to know that love was always loe, anytime and anyplace, but it was more soild the closer it came to death."

"Neither one could imagine being in any other home but the cabin or eating in any other way but on the ship, or living any other life for that would be alien to them forever. It was indeed, like dying."