Szymborska poems....
NOTHING TWICE
Nothing can ever happen twice.
In consequences, the sorry fact is
that we arrive here improvised
and leave without the chance to practice
Even if there is no one dumber,
if you're the planet's biggest dunce,
you can't repeat the class in summer:
this course is only offered once.
No day copies yesterday,
no two nights will teach what bliss is
in precisely the same way,
with exactly the same kisses.
One day, perhaps, some idle tongue
mentions your name by accident:
I feel as if a rose were flung
into the room, all hue and scent.
The next day, though you're here with me
I can't help looking at the clock:
A rose? A rose? What could that be?
Is it a flower or a rock?
Why do we treat the fleeting day
with so much needless fear and sorrow?
It's in its nature not to stay:
Today is always gone tomorrow.
With smiles and kisses, we prefer
to seek accord beneath our star,
although we're different (we concur)
just as two drops of water are.
THEATRE IMPRESSIONS
For me the tragedy's most important act is the sixth:
the raising of the dead form the stage's battlegrounds,
the straightening of wigs and fancy gowns,
removing knives form stricken breasts,
taking nooses from lifeless necks,
lining up among th eliving
to face the audience
The bows, both solo and ensemble--
the pale hand on the wounded heart,
the curtsies of the hapless suicide,
the bobbing of the chopped-off head
The bows in pairs--
rage extends its arm to meekness,
the victim's eyes smile at the torturer,
the rebel indulgently walks beside the tyrant
Eternity trampled by the golden slipper's toe.
Redeeming values swept aside with the swish of a
wide-brimmed hat
The unrepentant urge to start all over tomorrow.
Now enter, single file, the hosts who died early one,
in Acts 3 and 4, or between scenes.
The miraculous return of all those lost without a trace.
The though that they've been waiting patiently offstage
without taking off their makeup
or their costumes
moves me more than all the tragedy's tirades.
But the curtain's fall is the most uplifting part,
the things you see before it hits the floor:
here one hand quickly reaches for a flower,
there another hand pics up a fallen sword.
Only then, one last, unseen, hand
does its duty
and grabs me by the throat
TRUE LOVE
True love. Is it normal,
is it serious , is it practical?
What does the world get from two people
who exist in a world of their own?
Placed on the same pedestal for no good reason,
drawn randomly from millions, but convinced
it had to happen this way--in reward for what? For nothing.
The light descends from nowhere.
Why on these two and not on others?
Doesn't this outrage justice? Yes it does.
Doesn't it disrupt our painstakingly erected principles,
and cast the moral from the peak? Yes on both accounts.
Look at the happy couple.
Couldn't they at least try to hide it,
fake a little depression for their friends' sake!
Listen to them laughing--its an insult.
The language they use--deceptively clear.
And their little celebrations, rituals,
the elaborate mutual routines--
it's obviously a plot behind the human race's back!
It's hard even to guess how far things might go
if people start to follow their example.
What could religion and poetry count on?
What would be remembered? what renounced?
Who'd want to stay within bounds?
True love. Is it really necessary?
Tact and common sense tell us to pass over it in silence,
like a scandal in Life's highest circles.
Perfectly good children are born without its help.
It couldn't populate the planet in a million years,
it comes along so rarely.
Let the people who never find true love
keep saying that there's no such thing.
Their faith will make it easier for them to live and die.
PORTRAIT OF A WOMAN
She must be a variety.
Change so that nothing will change.
it's easy, impossible, tough going, worth a shot.
Her eyes are required, deep blue, gray,
dark, merry, full of pointless tears.
She sleeps with him as if she's first in line or the only one on
earth
She'll bear him four children, no children, one.
Naive, but gives the best advice.
Weak, but takes on anything.
A screw loose and tough as nails.
Curls up with Jaspers or Ladies' Home Journal.
Can't figure out this bolt and builds a bridge.
Young, young as ever, still looking young.
Holds in her hands a baby sparrow with a broken wing,
her own money for some trip far away,
a meat cleaver, a compress, a glass of vodka.
Where's she running, isn't she exhausted.
Not a bit, a little, to death, it doesn't matter.
She must love him, or she's just plain stubborn.
For better, for worse, for heaven's sake.
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
Sunday, May 17, 2009
Thirteen Reasons Why
WELL....haven't been on here for awhile. :) Been really busy with school and stuff but now that I'm on a break (which consists of SAT, Willy Wonka at least 3 times a week, Finals, Starting E.E., Learning to drive again, family stuff, financial garbage, having a severely broken heart, PMEs, World Lit Papers, and what-not). I finally got a chance to read something not required while simultaneously avoiding Akmatova journals (tehe!). I bought it like a week ago along with my E.E books (which I should start reading sometime soon...) and it finally arrived on Friday. I managed to finish the book today & my 10023840723984792 assessment statements that are due on Monday (wooop!) I feel mighty accomplished if I do say so myself...Anyways the book is 'Thirteen Reasons Why' by Jay Asher. Really interesting concept and story...and it helps that I'm slightly obsessed with suicide (Is that creepy? Okay well you can't deny people who commit suicide are interesting. Have you read Virginia Woolf's suicide note? If not here it is:
"I feel certain that I am going mad again. I feel we can't go through another of those terrible times. And I shan't recover this time. I begin to hear voices, and I can't concentrate. So I am doing what seems the best thing to do. You have given me the greatest possible happiness. You have been in every way all that anyone could be. I don't think two people could have been happier 'til this terrible disease came. I can't fight any longer. I know that I am spoiling your life, that without me you could work. And you will I know. You see I can't even write this properly. I can't read. What I want to say is I owe all the happiness of my life to you. You have been entirely patient with me and incredibly good. I want to say that — everybody knows it. If anybody could have saved me it would have been you. Everything has gone from me but the certainty of your goodness. I can't go on spoiling your life any longer. I don't think two people could have been happier than we have been. V." Yeah I'm also obsessed with her. She's a great author though. One of her books 'Jacob's Room' has almost NO plot...its like the randomest things that are connected in an odd sort of way. Its kind of like when you find out two people you know know each other but you don't know that they know each other.)
Anyways, as usual some excerpts:
"If my love were an ocean,
there would be no more land.
If my love were a desert,
you would only see sand.
If my love were a star-
late at night, only light.
And if my love could grow wings,
I'd be soaring in flight" (I'm a hopeless romantic. This is so cute...really cheesy but cute)
"If you hear a song that makes you cry and you don't want to cry anymore, you don't listen to that song anymore. But you can't get away from yourself. You can't decide no to see yourself anymore. You can't decide to turn off the noise in your head" (God I know how that feels. Sometimes you just want to escape from yourself. From you memories and from your thoughts. Sometimes you just want to stop thinking about things but no matter what you can't...)
"Two people-me and him-one house. Yet he drove away with no idea of his link to me, the girl on the sidewalk. And for some reason, at that moment, the air felt heavy. Filled with loneliness. And that loneliness stayed with me for the rest of the night."
"His lack of interest was a reminder...You can't go back to how things were. How you thought they were. All you really have is now" (Carpe Diem)
"I wanted to tell you everything. And that hurt because some things were too scary. Some things even I didn't understand. How could I tell someone-someone I was really talking to for the first time-everything I was thinking?"
" 'The thing is,' I say, 'I never really missed her till now.' " (This I think was the focal point of it all. People never really realize how much a person effects their life until they are no longer in it, and then there is regret. They wished they had treated them better, wish they had done more. You only notice how great something is when its taken away from you. I think that's a part of most suicide's thoughts. You should learn a lesson from their death, so as self-ish as most believe them to be for not 'considering all the pain and suffering of those who care about them, for only considering their own feelings' they trying to make you see. They want to show you that you need to adjust your ways and you need to appreciate those you care about because what may seem like something insignificant in your eyes could be the final straw for them.)
"A lot of you cared, just not enough. And that...that is what I needed to find out."
Overall great book. I mean it wasn't the BEST thing ever. There were a lot of concepts I wanted the author to address in more detail and make more understandable to the reader but it is a teen novel (can't expect too much psychological depth...then it would be a different genre. No offense to teen novels or anything). I'm probably going to be posting poems next but I have to flip through the books to decide which ones I love the most. Maybe Wuthering Heights will be in here soon too (maybe...that one's kind of time consuming :/)
"I feel certain that I am going mad again. I feel we can't go through another of those terrible times. And I shan't recover this time. I begin to hear voices, and I can't concentrate. So I am doing what seems the best thing to do. You have given me the greatest possible happiness. You have been in every way all that anyone could be. I don't think two people could have been happier 'til this terrible disease came. I can't fight any longer. I know that I am spoiling your life, that without me you could work. And you will I know. You see I can't even write this properly. I can't read. What I want to say is I owe all the happiness of my life to you. You have been entirely patient with me and incredibly good. I want to say that — everybody knows it. If anybody could have saved me it would have been you. Everything has gone from me but the certainty of your goodness. I can't go on spoiling your life any longer. I don't think two people could have been happier than we have been. V." Yeah I'm also obsessed with her. She's a great author though. One of her books 'Jacob's Room' has almost NO plot...its like the randomest things that are connected in an odd sort of way. Its kind of like when you find out two people you know know each other but you don't know that they know each other.)
Anyways, as usual some excerpts:
"If my love were an ocean,
there would be no more land.
If my love were a desert,
you would only see sand.
If my love were a star-
late at night, only light.
And if my love could grow wings,
I'd be soaring in flight" (I'm a hopeless romantic. This is so cute...really cheesy but cute)
"If you hear a song that makes you cry and you don't want to cry anymore, you don't listen to that song anymore. But you can't get away from yourself. You can't decide no to see yourself anymore. You can't decide to turn off the noise in your head" (God I know how that feels. Sometimes you just want to escape from yourself. From you memories and from your thoughts. Sometimes you just want to stop thinking about things but no matter what you can't...)
"Two people-me and him-one house. Yet he drove away with no idea of his link to me, the girl on the sidewalk. And for some reason, at that moment, the air felt heavy. Filled with loneliness. And that loneliness stayed with me for the rest of the night."
"His lack of interest was a reminder...You can't go back to how things were. How you thought they were. All you really have is now" (Carpe Diem)
"I wanted to tell you everything. And that hurt because some things were too scary. Some things even I didn't understand. How could I tell someone-someone I was really talking to for the first time-everything I was thinking?"
" 'The thing is,' I say, 'I never really missed her till now.' " (This I think was the focal point of it all. People never really realize how much a person effects their life until they are no longer in it, and then there is regret. They wished they had treated them better, wish they had done more. You only notice how great something is when its taken away from you. I think that's a part of most suicide's thoughts. You should learn a lesson from their death, so as self-ish as most believe them to be for not 'considering all the pain and suffering of those who care about them, for only considering their own feelings' they trying to make you see. They want to show you that you need to adjust your ways and you need to appreciate those you care about because what may seem like something insignificant in your eyes could be the final straw for them.)
"A lot of you cared, just not enough. And that...that is what I needed to find out."
Overall great book. I mean it wasn't the BEST thing ever. There were a lot of concepts I wanted the author to address in more detail and make more understandable to the reader but it is a teen novel (can't expect too much psychological depth...then it would be a different genre. No offense to teen novels or anything). I'm probably going to be posting poems next but I have to flip through the books to decide which ones I love the most. Maybe Wuthering Heights will be in here soon too (maybe...that one's kind of time consuming :/)
Sunday, March 8, 2009
The Confusion! The Sheer Confusion!
well last night was....strange to say the least.One minute we're both talking about everyday things and it seems like nothing's changed. The next I'm crying and trying to explain my feelings and trying to get you to explain yours. I am now more confused then ever. Part of me feels like there's hope and another part of me thinks my though-process is drawing ridiculously stupid conclusions, and another part of me wants to shoot the other parts in the throat...I want to be in your life. I do. But its just SO painful and I feel that it will just make things worse right now because I'll fall in love all over again. It will probably take about 30 years for me to see you as just a friend (if that ever happens) or to love you as a friend and not as more. But things you said made me so confused. The points that we agreed upon make sense until you get to where we are right now...what you're saying is that you love but you don't want to be with me? You love me but you don't want to spend forever with me? I don't understand. Love isn't enough anymore? I realize that in order for a relationship to work it takes more than love but love is supposed to pull you through everything, right? Love conquers all, right? RIGHT?!?!? It's supposed to (unless all my ideas on love are wrong and if they are I refuse! I don't accept these terms and conditions!!!) Why is there a gray area for you? You either love someone and want to be with them or you don't love them and don't want to be with them. Black or white. I can't see a gray area....explain to me how what you're doing makes sense. There has to be a reason. You can't just not know. You have to be feeling something or nothing at all. Why are you making this so complicated?
This song came on last night and it was exactly what I wanted to hear. It sort of describes my feelings:
Don't Expect Me To Be Your Friend:
"I stopped sending flowers to your apartment
You said you aren't home much anymore
I stopped dropping by without an appointment
Cause I'd hear laughter coming through your door.
Sometimes late at night you'll still call me
Just before you close your eyes to sleep
You make me vow to try and stop by sometime
Baby that's a promise I can't keep.
I love you too much to ever start liking you
So lets just let the story kinda end
I love you too much to ever start liking you
So don't expect me to be your friend.
I don't walk down through the village or other places
That we used to go to all the time
I'm trying to erase you from my memory
Cause thinking of you jumbles up my mind.
You always act so happy when I see you
You smile that way you take my hand and then
Introduce me to your latest lover
That's when I feel the walls start crashing in."
This song came on last night and it was exactly what I wanted to hear. It sort of describes my feelings:
Don't Expect Me To Be Your Friend:
"I stopped sending flowers to your apartment
You said you aren't home much anymore
I stopped dropping by without an appointment
Cause I'd hear laughter coming through your door.
Sometimes late at night you'll still call me
Just before you close your eyes to sleep
You make me vow to try and stop by sometime
Baby that's a promise I can't keep.
I love you too much to ever start liking you
So lets just let the story kinda end
I love you too much to ever start liking you
So don't expect me to be your friend.
I don't walk down through the village or other places
That we used to go to all the time
I'm trying to erase you from my memory
Cause thinking of you jumbles up my mind.
You always act so happy when I see you
You smile that way you take my hand and then
Introduce me to your latest lover
That's when I feel the walls start crashing in."
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
Life Lessons
Here’s some things I’ve now engraved into stone. Don’t bitch at me for being pessimistic…these are tried and true (for me at least. Believe what you want to believe)
Lesson #8899826
Anything that can go wrong will go wrong 65% of the time
Lesson #98374928
No matter how hard you work or how much shit you’ve been through you don’t get what you deserve.
Lesson #36293462319023
At the end of the day all you have is yourself. No matter how much you trust someone, no matter how long they’ve been in your life, no matter what they say to you, everyone leaves.
Lesson #40293408230402394
No matter how much time, energy, money, and/or love you devote to someone it’s never going to be enough. NO matter what your friends tell you…
Lesson #98309480293804
The pain is not going to stop. You will never forget them but they sure as hell will forget you.
Lesson #
People who do nothing, who haven’t struggled for anything, who are generally stupid, irresponsible jerks will always win. Nice guys finish last.
Lesson #
Hoping that it will all get better, and doing everything you can do to what’s right and responsible does not necessarily mean that things will get better. In fact, it’ll all probably get worse. ‘Cause they universe likes to screw you over like that.
Lesson #
Life is good.
Sunday, March 1, 2009
What if I told you I love you?
These are my favorite quotes from a Current podcast:
uotes from the podcast I had on my profile:
You love someone, you like someone, you trust someone; all the elements are
there but for whatever reason you can’t work out, it just doesn’t work.”
uotes from the podcast I had on my profile:
“…and then I found it flattering. It’s flattering because you
think oh my god, somebody sees in me qualities that would make them fall in
love with me. That’s amazing!”
“I kind of hoped for closure, or some sort of end to things
hurting but you saying that means that the things I do still hurt your feelings…will
always still effect your feelings in a strong way. And it makes me sad.”
“I think people settle for people. A lot. …and I’m starting
to think maybe that’s what you do. Maybe that’s what happens, maybe that’s what
love is, settling for people. And you have these passionate affairs that are
kind of what we talk about love as being you know…it’s amazing….But they can’t
last cause they’re so intense they have to burn out.”
“How many times have I been in love? I’ve claimed it three
times. The first time I doubt it was the case…”
You love someone, you like someone, you trust someone; all the elements are
there but for whatever reason you can’t work out, it just doesn’t work.”
Late Night Conversation: The First Date
what was your first date like?
12:08amStefanie
amazing
I had to perform at this band thing
but we decided to spend the rest of the event together while everyone else went home
we stayed there for a few hours and then it started to rain
like pouring
and we kissed for a long time
just like in the movies you knw
*know
and Phil hates getting rained on
12:10amDaneile
when you said "you knw" thought you were getting all ghetto on me
i was like NOOO
12:10amStefanie
so finally I caved in and we sat in his car and talked
for a long time and he showed me his dog that recently died
who he grew up with
*pictures of his dog not the dog
12:10amDaneile
i think i remember you telling me this
in reynen's class last year
12:11amStefanie
and then we went to burger king 'cause I got hungry
and he bought me food
and his pants were soaked
and he did this cute little waddle thing
12:11amDaneile
seriously, why dont you just call him and tell him all these things
it'll have you not being confused anymore
and it'll clear some things up, so you wont have to be wondering anymore
12:12amStefanie
whenever he walked 'cause hates the feeling of wet clothes on his legs
and I was going to get up and get a napkin but he got it for me even though he hated the whole waddling thing
12:13amDaneile
"and he did this cute little waddle thing"
12:13amStefanie
and then we sat in his car for awhile
and made out
12:13amDaneile
lmao i do that too.
12:13amStefanie
:)
12:13amDaneile
i hate the feeling of we clothes on my leg
12:13amStefanie
meee tooo
and we were in a parking lot
and the most stand out moment was him looking up at me (I was sitting in his lap)
and I remember not wanting to blick
*blink
or leave
I remember feeling like I wanted to be able to do this for the rest of my life
and now I'm crying :(
12:15amDaneile
NOOO!
I'm sorry for asking!
12:15amStefanie
and then we went back to the show and
12:15amDaneile
Don't cry!
I wish i could be there with you to talk to you face to face :(
12:15amStefanie
we kissed in the rain again and some guy walked by and said "true love kissing in the rain"
and at that time I hadn't admitted to myself that I was in love
but I remember smiling and agreeing in my head
12:16amDaneile
AWE
12:17amStefanie
and then we had this conversation:Phil- "You know if you were in there you would have died."
Me-"Oh, yeah...and what would you do?"
Phil-"I would go on a homicidal rampage then kill myself."
Me-"Aaawww....that's the sweetest thing I've ever heard.
Phil-*chuckling* You're insane12:18amDaneile
AWE
STEFANIE!
Call him!
You must do it!
Pinky promise me or we wont be friends again
I MEAN IT!
I'm not talking tot you until you promise me that you'll call him and tell HIM ALL OF THIS
and if you dont do it, we wont be friends anymore
I'm serious
12:18amStefanie
he was talking about one of those cars that the police put on display so you know not to drink and drive
and that just made me feel so special and loved
I can't call him...
I don't think he'll pick up
and even if he does she'll probably be there
and he won't care about what I'm and he won't care about what I'm saying...This is beyond ridiculous now...
you love him and you've been together for 30 years, and miss him, etc. Fine. I understand. But HOW do you go from hating him that much to being all giggly-best friends-forever-I'll-wait-for-you in such a short space of time? Ugh its so disgusting...I know you "love" him (actually I think you're just used to him being there & afraid to be alone) but aren't you supposed to love me too? I can't stand it...I'm moving out as soon as I'm 18. I don't care if I have to sell myself on the street in order to pay the rent. I don't care. I don't want live with you anymore. I can't live with someone like that...
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