It is incredible how you can feel like something was an eternity ago and like it happened yesterday simultaneously. But by far the most difficult part is destroying yourself while staying alive. (Oh! The paradoxical ways of my life…) It feels like struggling to stop yourself from drowning but wanting to drown at the same time. How do you get rid of the parts of yourself that are holding you back and preventing you from moving on when you love every part of yourself (but especially those parts)? Do you become something you’ve always hated, have strived to avoid, and have taken pride in your refusal to cave in to such behaviors and beliefs in order to survive? I wish I could just go to sleep and wake up when everything is better and easier and simpler. Do I believe what everyone else says or do I believe my instincts (that are almost always wrong in this field) which scream that this time it’s different? Do I hold my breath for the rest of my life or do what is expected of me and keep my feelings hidden for the rest of my life? How do you stop history from repeating itself? I can’t even answer the question of whether this entire thing was worth it…should I have just given up, stuck to my policies, and let it go? I don’t know if the benefits (the few that exist) outweigh the damage that has been done. The worst thing about it is my natural human instincts are turning me into what I hate while I remain indecisive about the entire issue. I guess my inner self is tired of it all, which is awfully sad because perhaps I am wrong. What’s better keeping yourself safe and guarded, or risking it all and having it maybe be worth it once in my entire lifetime?
.. ..
And then there is this guy. This guy who is extremely nice and perfect basically in every way who seems to be interested in me judging by the flirting and sense of commitment and just the overall niceness of the entire situation, and if we ended up together I know he would deserve things I am no longer capable of giving. But what if it is, as usual, a figment of my imagination? What if he is just this nice to everyone? I know he flirts with other people, too. And then there is the whole relationship he is in already. I don’t want them to be over (although I am not the only contributing factor to the deepening rift between the two). In a way I know what it feels like to be her, to be so secure in the strength of a relationship, to be so used to a certain person being in your life, to not suspect that anything is going wrong. The end would kill her, or at least destroy her ability to trust and love. I would put her in the situation I hate more than anything. And he swears that he loves her, it just seems to be not going well and he seems to be getting increasingly frustrated and fatigued with every passing day. I guess that’s whole they love you but they are not in love with you argument. But I don’t understand that argument. How can you love someone and not want to be with them when you know they love you in return? Then again I think there is something desperately wrong with the way I feel. My emotions are too strong. No human should be capable of being so in love and devoted to one person. There must be something wrong with me because of all the relationships I’ve been in there has only been one whose end did not deeply wound me. Despite the fact that I did not love them, I was always the one that took months (and in some cases years) to heal. It seems that at the end of every relationship I’m the one that has a broken heart even if I didn’t invest my heart into the relationship. I could never move on after it ended, not for awhile anyways….I wish there was some way to stop how passionately I feel. It would make my life so much easier. Sometimes I feel like I am overreacting to my current situation but I can’t stop myself from feeling the way I do. I didn’t have any evidence that things would turn out differently than they did (in fact I had more than enough evidence that screamed the end was coming since the very beginning. But I chose to ignore them. I didn’t want to see them because I didn’t want them to be true although I know ignoring the facts does not change their accuracy) so why did I get so caught up in the moment? Why did I believe that here was this one person that was going to be different? Why didn’t I just see through the fact that all he did was feed me lines? Like an innocent, hopeful, and naïve little girl I believed them. I believed all of them. And look where I ended up. Cruelty is a funny thing. Sometimes it isn’t the big events that end up being the worst part, sometimes it’s the little things that happen after the fact that speak the loudest. Sometimes we are so concerned with not hurting someone’s feelings at the moments that we feel will make or break them that we ignore the tiniest slip in judgment that we make. Sometimes people lie in an effort to protect those that they love and protect themselves from further pain and abandonment, but they don’t see the cruelty of those lies. The truth may hurt and can at times be cruel but lies are the worst. Those lies made in an effort to protect often end up being the most cruel and painful things in the world. Sometimes those people are such good liars that everyone believes that that person is being truthful to them but is lying to everyone else. And sometimes there will be one person who after years of wasted time and effort will finally see that everyone is being lied to and then begins to doubt every single moment they have ever shared with that person.
I have no regrets in regards to the decisions I have made in my life. What I felt was real and true, and for once in my life I had the opportunity to stop caring about anyone else and put my needs and wants first, to not care who was hurt in the process. I’m not proud of some of the decisions I made but I don’t regret them and I know that it is not a newly acquired habit. For an instant I was selfish and lacked morals and just didn’t care. And for what it was worth, though it sounds terrible, it felt good. I think sometimes one needs to be selfish in life. I think it’s good to live for yourself, and have only yourself in mind, for at least one time in life. Just to know what it feels like. I think it deepens your understanding and increases your patience with people who tend to do so on a regular basis (it's not good to be okay with people who do so but we all have to deal with them at some point in life).
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