No one hurts you, nothing could be sad anyway you're not here enough to care

It is incredible how you can feel like something was an eternity ago and like it happened yesterday simultaneously. But by far the most difficult part is destroying yourself while staying alive. (Oh! The paradoxical ways of my life…) It feels like struggling to stop yourself from drowning but wanting to drown at the same time. How do you get rid of the parts of yourself that are holding you back and preventing you from moving on when you love every part of yourself (but especially those parts)? Do you become something you’ve always hated, have strived to avoid, and have taken pride in your refusal to cave in to such behaviors and beliefs in order to survive? I wish I could just go to sleep and wake up when everything is better and easier and simpler. Do I believe what everyone else says or do I believe my instincts (that are almost always wrong in this field) which scream that this time it’s different? Do I hold my breath for the rest of my life or do what is expected of me and keep my feelings hidden for the rest of my life? How do you stop history from repeating itself? I can’t even answer the question of whether this entire thing was worth it…should I have just given up, stuck to my policies, and let it go? I don’t know if the benefits (the few that exist) outweigh the damage that has been done. The worst thing about it is my natural human instincts are turning me into what I hate while I remain indecisive about the entire issue. I guess my inner self is tired of it all, which is awfully sad because perhaps I am wrong. What’s better keeping yourself safe and guarded, or risking it all and having it maybe be worth it once in my entire lifetime?

.. ..

And then there is this guy. This guy who is extremely nice and perfect basically in every way who seems to be interested in me judging by the flirting and sense of commitment and just the overall niceness of the entire situation, and if we ended up together I know he would deserve things I am no longer capable of giving. But what if it is, as usual, a figment of my imagination? What if he is just this nice to everyone? I know he flirts with other people, too. And then there is the whole relationship he is in already. I don’t want them to be over (although I am not the only contributing factor to the deepening rift between the two). In a way I know what it feels like to be her, to be so secure in the strength of a relationship, to be so used to a certain person being in your life, to not suspect that anything is going wrong. The end would kill her, or at least destroy her ability to trust and love. I would put her in the situation I hate more than anything. And he swears that he loves her, it just seems to be not going well and he seems to be getting increasingly frustrated and fatigued with every passing day. I guess that’s whole they love you but they are not in love with you argument. But I don’t understand that argument. How can you love someone and not want to be with them when you know they love you in return? Then again I think there is something desperately wrong with the way I feel. My emotions are too strong. No human should be capable of being so in love and devoted to one person. There must be something wrong with me because of all the relationships I’ve been in there has only been one whose end did not deeply wound me. Despite the fact that I did not love them, I was always the one that took months (and in some cases years) to heal. It seems that at the end of every relationship I’m the one that has a broken heart even if I didn’t invest my heart into the relationship. I could never move on after it ended, not for awhile anyways….I wish there was some way to stop how passionately I feel. It would make my life so much easier. Sometimes I feel like I am overreacting to my current situation but I can’t stop myself from feeling the way I do. I didn’t have any evidence that things would turn out differently than they did (in fact I had more than enough evidence that screamed the end was coming since the very beginning. But I chose to ignore them. I didn’t want to see them because I didn’t want them to be true although I know ignoring the facts does not change their accuracy) so why did I get so caught up in the moment? Why did I believe that here was this one person that was going to be different? Why didn’t I just see through the fact that all he did was feed me lines? Like an innocent, hopeful, and naïve little girl I believed them. I believed all of them. And look where I ended up. Cruelty is a funny thing. Sometimes it isn’t the big events that end up being the worst part, sometimes it’s the little things that happen after the fact that speak the loudest. Sometimes we are so concerned with not hurting someone’s feelings at the moments that we feel will make or break them that we ignore the tiniest slip in judgment that we make. Sometimes people lie in an effort to protect those that they love and protect themselves from further pain and abandonment, but they don’t see the cruelty of those lies. The truth may hurt and can at times be cruel but lies are the worst. Those lies made in an effort to protect often end up being the most cruel and painful things in the world. Sometimes those people are such good liars that everyone believes that that person is being truthful to them but is lying to everyone else. And sometimes there will be one person who after years of wasted time and effort will finally see that everyone is being lied to and then begins to doubt every single moment they have ever shared with that person.

I have no regrets in regards to the decisions I have made in my life. What I felt was real and true, and for once in my life I had the opportunity to stop caring about anyone else and put my needs and wants first, to not care who was hurt in the process. I’m not proud of some of the decisions I made but I don’t regret them and I know that it is not a newly acquired habit. For an instant I was selfish and lacked morals and just didn’t care. And for what it was worth, though it sounds terrible, it felt good. I think sometimes one needs to be selfish in life. I think it’s good to live for yourself, and have only yourself in mind, for at least one time in life. Just to know what it feels like. I think it deepens your understanding and increases your patience with people who tend to do so on a regular basis (it's not good to be okay with people who do so but we all have to deal with them at some point in life).

There is so much more left unsaid. And eventually all will be spoken but as of right now the secrets will remain kept close to my heart and close to my mind. The final goodbyes will be said before I am gone for the rest of my life so until then

Right Right...

I am avoiding studying majorly and exercising so I don't become a fat ass I also love the fact that I basically teach my bio class right now. I love showing up on campus 3 hours early to tutor everyone...god why do I do this to myself? I am such a doormat. But 'tis okay I guess. It's interesting being a homewrecker-doormat. Puts some spice in my life Also I've noticed I have more than 100 blog views and 11 comments....who are you people?!?! Let me know please? *insert cute face here* I've also discovered that I LOVE Pink. Like seriously LOVE her. Best lyrics ever...

"Have you ever thrown a fist full of glitter in the air?
Have you ever looked fear in the face
And said I just don’t care?"

AND Chris is hilarious! He's like the only person that can make me laugh for 5 minutes straight about the randomest shit

"The gods. They frown upon you like this... :C"

"you're not really a homewrecker, you're just...a microorganism that's speeding along the inevitable decomposition..." (ah! I can't un-bold this for some reason! )

I have also become addicted to sex and the city They's brilliant that group right there...Additionally I am addicted to singing way off key at the top of my lungs whilst driving around town.
Finally I've modified my tattoo idea and I'm currently in the pending approval for the creation via the older brother (good at drawing that one)

Wait one more thing! I miss Aaron ! I'm kidnapping him as soon as he comes back...
Enough ranting and procrastinating for now I think (I am such a multitasker I know )

An Ode to You

You are by FAR the nicest guy I have ever met. You're so sweet its just adorable! You give me hope that maybe somehow, somewhere, in another dimension, there is one trillionth of a chance that I might be with someone who actually cares about me and treats me fairly decently. Spending time with you is awesome and you're such a gentleman. I can't even remember the last time someone held a door open for me You've reminded me of my old philosophy and have me considering resorting back to them or at least blending them in with my new sense of relationships. I have never liked the stereotype that all men are terrible people but because of certain incidences these last few months I was beginning to build up a wall and lose my faith in men and my relationship ablities. But you sir you have changed all that! I believe that maybe I won't have to date someone who is 40 years old in order to be with a mature and respectful man. You have pulled me through some lonely nights and have made me see the bigger picture. And you're also an amazing person for venting. You're always there and I really appreciate that. Thanks for giving me hope that I could be more than just another girl to someone & calling me a home-wrecker lol and all the interesting food analogies. I have to say you are much better than the bread in a sandwich...

The Notebook

Best quotes EVER. The story in here is so similar to my love life sometimes...

"You're bored Allie. You're bored and you know it. You wouldn't be here if there wasn't something missing."
-"You arrogant son of a bitch."
"Would you just stay with me?
-" Stay with you? What for? Look at us, we're already fighting"

"So it's not gonna be easy. It's gonna be really hard. We're gonna have to work at this every day, but I want to do that because I want you. I want all of you, for ever, you and me, every day. Will you do something for me, please? Just picture your life for me? 30 years from now, 40 years from now? What's it look like? If it's with him, go. Go! I lost you once, I think I can do it again. If I thought that's what you really wanted. But don't you take the easy way out."


"Would you stop thinking about what everyone wants? Stop thinking about what I want, what he wants, what your parents want. What do YOU want? What do you WANT?"

"My Dearest Allie. I couldn't sleep last night because I know that it's over between us. I'm not bitter anymore, because I know that what we had was real. And if in some distant place in the future we see each other in our new lives, I'll smile at you with joy and remember how we spent the summer beneath the trees, learning from each other and growing in love. The best love is the kind that awakens the soul and makes us reach for more, that plants a fire in our hearts and brings peace to our minds, and that's what you've given me. That's what I hope to give to you forever. I love you. I'll be seeing you. Noah"


"Do you think our love, can take us away together?"
-I think our love can do anything we want it to.
"I love you."
-"I love you, Allie."
"Good night.'
-"Good night. I'll be seeing you."

"She had come back into his life like a sudden flame; blazing and streaming into his heart. Noah stayed up all night contemplating the certain agony he knew would be his if he were to lose her twice."

Mmhmm

Szymborska poems....

NOTHING TWICE
Nothing can ever happen twice.
In consequences, the sorry fact is
that we arrive here improvised
and leave without the chance to practice
Even if there is no one dumber,
if you're the planet's biggest dunce,
you can't repeat the class in summer:
this course is only offered once.
No day copies yesterday,
no two nights will teach what bliss is
in precisely the same way,
with exactly the same kisses.
One day, perhaps, some idle tongue
mentions your name by accident:
I feel as if a rose were flung
into the room, all hue and scent.
The next day, though you're here with me
I can't help looking at the clock:
A rose? A rose? What could that be?
Is it a flower or a rock?
Why do we treat the fleeting day
with so much needless fear and sorrow?
It's in its nature not to stay:
Today is always gone tomorrow.
With smiles and kisses, we prefer
to seek accord beneath our star,
although we're different (we concur)
just as two drops of water are.

THEATRE IMPRESSIONS
For me the tragedy's most important act is the sixth:
the raising of the dead form the stage's battlegrounds,
the straightening of wigs and fancy gowns,
removing knives form stricken breasts,
taking nooses from lifeless necks,
lining up among th eliving
to face the audience
The bows, both solo and ensemble--
the pale hand on the wounded heart,
the curtsies of the hapless suicide,
the bobbing of the chopped-off head
The bows in pairs--
rage extends its arm to meekness,
the victim's eyes smile at the torturer,
the rebel indulgently walks beside the tyrant
Eternity trampled by the golden slipper's toe.
Redeeming values swept aside with the swish of a
wide-brimmed hat
The unrepentant urge to start all over tomorrow.
Now enter, single file, the hosts who died early one,
in Acts 3 and 4, or between scenes.
The miraculous return of all those lost without a trace.
The though that they've been waiting patiently offstage
without taking off their makeup
or their costumes
moves me more than all the tragedy's tirades.
But the curtain's fall is the most uplifting part,
the things you see before it hits the floor:
here one hand quickly reaches for a flower,
there another hand pics up a fallen sword.
Only then, one last, unseen, hand
does its duty
and grabs me by the throat

TRUE LOVE
True love. Is it normal,
is it serious , is it practical?
What does the world get from two people
who exist in a world of their own?
Placed on the same pedestal for no good reason,
drawn randomly from millions, but convinced
it had to happen this way--in reward for what? For nothing.
The light descends from nowhere.
Why on these two and not on others?
Doesn't this outrage justice? Yes it does.
Doesn't it disrupt our painstakingly erected principles,
and cast the moral from the peak? Yes on both accounts.
Look at the happy couple.
Couldn't they at least try to hide it,
fake a little depression for their friends' sake!
Listen to them laughing--its an insult.
The language they use--deceptively clear.
And their little celebrations, rituals,
the elaborate mutual routines--
it's obviously a plot behind the human race's back!
It's hard even to guess how far things might go
if people start to follow their example.
What could religion and poetry count on?
What would be remembered? what renounced?
Who'd want to stay within bounds?
True love. Is it really necessary?
Tact and common sense tell us to pass over it in silence,
like a scandal in Life's highest circles.
Perfectly good children are born without its help.
It couldn't populate the planet in a million years,
it comes along so rarely.
Let the people who never find true love
keep saying that there's no such thing.
Their faith will make it easier for them to live and die.

PORTRAIT OF A WOMAN
She must be a variety.
Change so that nothing will change.
it's easy, impossible, tough going, worth a shot.
Her eyes are required, deep blue, gray,
dark, merry, full of pointless tears.
She sleeps with him as if she's first in line or the only one on
earth
She'll bear him four children, no children, one.
Naive, but gives the best advice.
Weak, but takes on anything.
A screw loose and tough as nails.
Curls up with Jaspers or Ladies' Home Journal.
Can't figure out this bolt and builds a bridge.
Young, young as ever, still looking young.
Holds in her hands a baby sparrow with a broken wing,
her own money for some trip far away,
a meat cleaver, a compress, a glass of vodka.
Where's she running, isn't she exhausted.
Not a bit, a little, to death, it doesn't matter.
She must love him, or she's just plain stubborn.
For better, for worse, for heaven's sake.

Thirteen Reasons Why

WELL....haven't been on here for awhile. :) Been really busy with school and stuff but now that I'm on a break (which consists of SAT, Willy Wonka at least 3 times a week, Finals, Starting E.E., Learning to drive again, family stuff, financial garbage, having a severely broken heart, PMEs, World Lit Papers, and what-not). I finally got a chance to read something not required while simultaneously avoiding Akmatova journals (tehe!). I bought it like a week ago along with my E.E books (which I should start reading sometime soon...) and it finally arrived on Friday. I managed to finish the book today & my 10023840723984792 assessment statements that are due on Monday (wooop!) I feel mighty accomplished if I do say so myself...Anyways the book is 'Thirteen Reasons Why' by Jay Asher. Really interesting concept and story...and it helps that I'm slightly obsessed with suicide (Is that creepy? Okay well you can't deny people who commit suicide are interesting. Have you read Virginia Woolf's suicide note? If not here it is:
"I feel certain that I am going mad again. I feel we can't go through another of those terrible times. And I shan't recover this time. I begin to hear voices, and I can't concentrate. So I am doing what seems the best thing to do. You have given me the greatest possible happiness. You have been in every way all that anyone could be. I don't think two people could have been happier 'til this terrible disease came. I can't fight any longer. I know that I am spoiling your life, that without me you could work. And you will I know. You see I can't even write this properly. I can't read. What I want to say is I owe all the happiness of my life to you. You have been entirely patient with me and incredibly good. I want to say that — everybody knows it. If anybody could have saved me it would have been you. Everything has gone from me but the certainty of your goodness. I can't go on spoiling your life any longer. I don't think two people could have been happier than we have been. V." Yeah I'm also obsessed with her. She's a great author though. One of her books 'Jacob's Room' has almost NO plot...its like the randomest things that are connected in an odd sort of way. Its kind of like when you find out two people you know know each other but you don't know that they know each other.)
Anyways, as usual some excerpts:

"If my love were an ocean,
there would be no more land.
If my love were a desert,
you would only see sand.
If my love were a star-
late at night, only light.
And if my love could grow wings,
I'd be soaring in flight" (I'm a hopeless romantic. This is so cute...really cheesy but cute)

"If you hear a song that makes you cry and you don't want to cry anymore, you don't listen to that song anymore. But you can't get away from yourself. You can't decide no to see yourself anymore. You can't decide to turn off the noise in your head" (God I know how that feels. Sometimes you just want to escape from yourself. From you memories and from your thoughts. Sometimes you just want to stop thinking about things but no matter what you can't...)

"Two people-me and him-one house. Yet he drove away with no idea of his link to me, the girl on the sidewalk. And for some reason, at that moment, the air felt heavy. Filled with loneliness. And that loneliness stayed with me for the rest of the night."

"His lack of interest was a reminder...You can't go back to how things were. How you thought they were. All you really have is now" (Carpe Diem)

"I wanted to tell you everything. And that hurt because some things were too scary. Some things even I didn't understand. How could I tell someone-someone I was really talking to for the first time-everything I was thinking?"

" 'The thing is,' I say, 'I never really missed her till now.' " (This I think was the focal point of it all. People never really realize how much a person effects their life until they are no longer in it, and then there is regret. They wished they had treated them better, wish they had done more. You only notice how great something is when its taken away from you. I think that's a part of most suicide's thoughts. You should learn a lesson from their death, so as self-ish as most believe them to be for not 'considering all the pain and suffering of those who care about them, for only considering their own feelings' they trying to make you see. They want to show you that you need to adjust your ways and you need to appreciate those you care about because what may seem like something insignificant in your eyes could be the final straw for them.)

"A lot of you cared, just not enough. And that...that is what I needed to find out."



Overall great book. I mean it wasn't the BEST thing ever. There were a lot of concepts I wanted the author to address in more detail and make more understandable to the reader but it is a teen novel (can't expect too much psychological depth...then it would be a different genre. No offense to teen novels or anything). I'm probably going to be posting poems next but I have to flip through the books to decide which ones I love the most. Maybe Wuthering Heights will be in here soon too (maybe...that one's kind of time consuming :/)

The Confusion! The Sheer Confusion!

well last night was....strange to say the least.One minute we're both talking about everyday things and it seems like nothing's changed. The next I'm crying and trying to explain my feelings and trying to get you to explain yours. I am now more confused then ever. Part of me feels like there's hope and another part of me thinks my though-process is drawing ridiculously stupid conclusions, and another part of me wants to shoot the other parts in the throat...I want to be in your life. I do. But its just SO painful and I feel that it will just make things worse right now because I'll fall in love all over again. It will probably take about 30 years for me to see you as just a friend (if that ever happens) or to love you as a friend and not as more. But things you said made me so confused. The points that we agreed upon make sense until you get to where we are right now...what you're saying is that you love but you don't want to be with me? You love me but you don't want to spend forever with me? I don't understand. Love isn't enough anymore? I realize that in order for a relationship to work it takes more than love but love is supposed to pull you through everything, right? Love conquers all, right? RIGHT?!?!? It's supposed to (unless all my ideas on love are wrong and if they are I refuse! I don't accept these terms and conditions!!!) Why is there a gray area for you? You either love someone and want to be with them or you don't love them and don't want to be with them. Black or white. I can't see a gray area....explain to me how what you're doing makes sense. There has to be a reason. You can't just not know. You have to be feeling something or nothing at all. Why are you making this so complicated?

This song came on last night and it was exactly what I wanted to hear. It sort of describes my feelings:
Don't Expect Me To Be Your Friend:

"I stopped sending flowers to your apartment
You said you aren't home much anymore
I stopped dropping by without an appointment
Cause I'd hear laughter coming through your door.

Sometimes late at night you'll still call me
Just before you close your eyes to sleep
You make me vow to try and stop by sometime
Baby that's a promise I can't keep.

I love you too much to ever start liking you
So lets just let the story kinda end
I love you too much to ever start liking you
So don't expect me to be your friend.

I don't walk down through the village or other places
That we used to go to all the time
I'm trying to erase you from my memory
Cause thinking of you jumbles up my mind.

You always act so happy when I see you
You smile that way you take my hand and then
Introduce me to your latest lover
That's when I feel the walls start crashing in."