well last night was....strange to say the least.One minute we're both talking about everyday things and it seems like nothing's changed. The next I'm crying and trying to explain my feelings and trying to get you to explain yours. I am now more confused then ever. Part of me feels like there's hope and another part of me thinks my though-process is drawing ridiculously stupid conclusions, and another part of me wants to shoot the other parts in the throat...I want to be in your life. I do. But its just SO painful and I feel that it will just make things worse right now because I'll fall in love all over again. It will probably take about 30 years for me to see you as just a friend (if that ever happens) or to love you as a friend and not as more. But things you said made me so confused. The points that we agreed upon make sense until you get to where we are right now...what you're saying is that you love but you don't want to be with me? You love me but you don't want to spend forever with me? I don't understand. Love isn't enough anymore? I realize that in order for a relationship to work it takes more than love but love is supposed to pull you through everything, right? Love conquers all, right? RIGHT?!?!? It's supposed to (unless all my ideas on love are wrong and if they are I refuse! I don't accept these terms and conditions!!!) Why is there a gray area for you? You either love someone and want to be with them or you don't love them and don't want to be with them. Black or white. I can't see a gray area....explain to me how what you're doing makes sense. There has to be a reason. You can't just not know. You have to be feeling something or nothing at all. Why are you making this so complicated?
This song came on last night and it was exactly what I wanted to hear. It sort of describes my feelings:
Don't Expect Me To Be Your Friend:
"I stopped sending flowers to your apartment
You said you aren't home much anymore
I stopped dropping by without an appointment
Cause I'd hear laughter coming through your door.
Sometimes late at night you'll still call me
Just before you close your eyes to sleep
You make me vow to try and stop by sometime
Baby that's a promise I can't keep.
I love you too much to ever start liking you
So lets just let the story kinda end
I love you too much to ever start liking you
So don't expect me to be your friend.
I don't walk down through the village or other places
That we used to go to all the time
I'm trying to erase you from my memory
Cause thinking of you jumbles up my mind.
You always act so happy when I see you
You smile that way you take my hand and then
Introduce me to your latest lover
That's when I feel the walls start crashing in."
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