well last night was....strange to say the least.One minute we're both talking about everyday things and it seems like nothing's changed. The next I'm crying and trying to explain my feelings and trying to get you to explain yours. I am now more confused then ever. Part of me feels like there's hope and another part of me thinks my though-process is drawing ridiculously stupid conclusions, and another part of me wants to shoot the other parts in the throat...I want to be in your life. I do. But its just SO painful and I feel that it will just make things worse right now because I'll fall in love all over again. It will probably take about 30 years for me to see you as just a friend (if that ever happens) or to love you as a friend and not as more. But things you said made me so confused. The points that we agreed upon make sense until you get to where we are right now...what you're saying is that you love but you don't want to be with me? You love me but you don't want to spend forever with me? I don't understand. Love isn't enough anymore? I realize that in order for a relationship to work it takes more than love but love is supposed to pull you through everything, right? Love conquers all, right? RIGHT?!?!? It's supposed to (unless all my ideas on love are wrong and if they are I refuse! I don't accept these terms and conditions!!!) Why is there a gray area for you? You either love someone and want to be with them or you don't love them and don't want to be with them. Black or white. I can't see a gray area....explain to me how what you're doing makes sense. There has to be a reason. You can't just not know. You have to be feeling something or nothing at all. Why are you making this so complicated?
This song came on last night and it was exactly what I wanted to hear. It sort of describes my feelings:
Don't Expect Me To Be Your Friend:
"I stopped sending flowers to your apartment
You said you aren't home much anymore
I stopped dropping by without an appointment
Cause I'd hear laughter coming through your door.
Sometimes late at night you'll still call me
Just before you close your eyes to sleep
You make me vow to try and stop by sometime
Baby that's a promise I can't keep.
I love you too much to ever start liking you
So lets just let the story kinda end
I love you too much to ever start liking you
So don't expect me to be your friend.
I don't walk down through the village or other places
That we used to go to all the time
I'm trying to erase you from my memory
Cause thinking of you jumbles up my mind.
You always act so happy when I see you
You smile that way you take my hand and then
Introduce me to your latest lover
That's when I feel the walls start crashing in."
Sunday, March 8, 2009
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
Life Lessons
Here’s some things I’ve now engraved into stone. Don’t bitch at me for being pessimistic…these are tried and true (for me at least. Believe what you want to believe)
Lesson #8899826
Anything that can go wrong will go wrong 65% of the time
Lesson #98374928
No matter how hard you work or how much shit you’ve been through you don’t get what you deserve.
Lesson #36293462319023
At the end of the day all you have is yourself. No matter how much you trust someone, no matter how long they’ve been in your life, no matter what they say to you, everyone leaves.
Lesson #40293408230402394
No matter how much time, energy, money, and/or love you devote to someone it’s never going to be enough. NO matter what your friends tell you…
Lesson #98309480293804
The pain is not going to stop. You will never forget them but they sure as hell will forget you.
Lesson #
People who do nothing, who haven’t struggled for anything, who are generally stupid, irresponsible jerks will always win. Nice guys finish last.
Lesson #
Hoping that it will all get better, and doing everything you can do to what’s right and responsible does not necessarily mean that things will get better. In fact, it’ll all probably get worse. ‘Cause they universe likes to screw you over like that.
Lesson #
Life is good.
Sunday, March 1, 2009
What if I told you I love you?
These are my favorite quotes from a Current podcast:
uotes from the podcast I had on my profile:
You love someone, you like someone, you trust someone; all the elements are
there but for whatever reason you can’t work out, it just doesn’t work.”
uotes from the podcast I had on my profile:
“…and then I found it flattering. It’s flattering because you
think oh my god, somebody sees in me qualities that would make them fall in
love with me. That’s amazing!”
“I kind of hoped for closure, or some sort of end to things
hurting but you saying that means that the things I do still hurt your feelings…will
always still effect your feelings in a strong way. And it makes me sad.”
“I think people settle for people. A lot. …and I’m starting
to think maybe that’s what you do. Maybe that’s what happens, maybe that’s what
love is, settling for people. And you have these passionate affairs that are
kind of what we talk about love as being you know…it’s amazing….But they can’t
last cause they’re so intense they have to burn out.”
“How many times have I been in love? I’ve claimed it three
times. The first time I doubt it was the case…”
You love someone, you like someone, you trust someone; all the elements are
there but for whatever reason you can’t work out, it just doesn’t work.”
Late Night Conversation: The First Date
what was your first date like?
12:08amStefanie
amazing
I had to perform at this band thing
but we decided to spend the rest of the event together while everyone else went home
we stayed there for a few hours and then it started to rain
like pouring
and we kissed for a long time
just like in the movies you knw
*know
and Phil hates getting rained on
12:10amDaneile
when you said "you knw" thought you were getting all ghetto on me
i was like NOOO
12:10amStefanie
so finally I caved in and we sat in his car and talked
for a long time and he showed me his dog that recently died
who he grew up with
*pictures of his dog not the dog
12:10amDaneile
i think i remember you telling me this
in reynen's class last year
12:11amStefanie
and then we went to burger king 'cause I got hungry
and he bought me food
and his pants were soaked
and he did this cute little waddle thing
12:11amDaneile
seriously, why dont you just call him and tell him all these things
it'll have you not being confused anymore
and it'll clear some things up, so you wont have to be wondering anymore
12:12amStefanie
whenever he walked 'cause hates the feeling of wet clothes on his legs
and I was going to get up and get a napkin but he got it for me even though he hated the whole waddling thing
12:13amDaneile
"and he did this cute little waddle thing"
12:13amStefanie
and then we sat in his car for awhile
and made out
12:13amDaneile
lmao i do that too.
12:13amStefanie
:)
12:13amDaneile
i hate the feeling of we clothes on my leg
12:13amStefanie
meee tooo
and we were in a parking lot
and the most stand out moment was him looking up at me (I was sitting in his lap)
and I remember not wanting to blick
*blink
or leave
I remember feeling like I wanted to be able to do this for the rest of my life
and now I'm crying :(
12:15amDaneile
NOOO!
I'm sorry for asking!
12:15amStefanie
and then we went back to the show and
12:15amDaneile
Don't cry!
I wish i could be there with you to talk to you face to face :(
12:15amStefanie
we kissed in the rain again and some guy walked by and said "true love kissing in the rain"
and at that time I hadn't admitted to myself that I was in love
but I remember smiling and agreeing in my head
12:16amDaneile
AWE
12:17amStefanie
and then we had this conversation:Phil- "You know if you were in there you would have died."
Me-"Oh, yeah...and what would you do?"
Phil-"I would go on a homicidal rampage then kill myself."
Me-"Aaawww....that's the sweetest thing I've ever heard.
Phil-*chuckling* You're insane12:18amDaneile
AWE
STEFANIE!
Call him!
You must do it!
Pinky promise me or we wont be friends again
I MEAN IT!
I'm not talking tot you until you promise me that you'll call him and tell HIM ALL OF THIS
and if you dont do it, we wont be friends anymore
I'm serious
12:18amStefanie
he was talking about one of those cars that the police put on display so you know not to drink and drive
and that just made me feel so special and loved
I can't call him...
I don't think he'll pick up
and even if he does she'll probably be there
and he won't care about what I'm and he won't care about what I'm saying...This is beyond ridiculous now...
you love him and you've been together for 30 years, and miss him, etc. Fine. I understand. But HOW do you go from hating him that much to being all giggly-best friends-forever-I'll-wait-for-you in such a short space of time? Ugh its so disgusting...I know you "love" him (actually I think you're just used to him being there & afraid to be alone) but aren't you supposed to love me too? I can't stand it...I'm moving out as soon as I'm 18. I don't care if I have to sell myself on the street in order to pay the rent. I don't care. I don't want live with you anymore. I can't live with someone like that...
Love In the Time of Cholera Quotes
Okay book overall...I can relate to a lot of the stuff happening in the book, especially Florentino (except for the whole having 600+ affairs. That one not so much...) A little detailed on the human anatomy (made me laugh sometimes though 
) As usual...the quotes that spoke:
"...she felt an irresistible longing to begin life with him over again so that they could say what they had left unsaid and do everything right that they had done badly in the past."
"Florentino Ariza, on the other hand, had not stopped thinking of her for a single moment since Fermina Daza had rejected him out of hand after a long and troubled love affair fifty-one years, nine months, and four days ago. He did not have to keep a running tally...because not a day had passed that something did not happen to remind him of her."
"...and that casual glance was the beginning of a cataclysm [love that word!] of love that still had not ended half a century later."
" 'Take advantage of it now, while you are young, and suffer all you can...because these things don't last your whole life.' "
"It was the year they fell into devastaing love. Neither one could do anything except think about the other., dream about the other...Never in that delirious spring, or in the follwoing year did they have the opportunity to speak to each other. Moreover, from the moment they saw each other for the first time until he reiterated his determination half a century later, they never had the opportunity to be alone or to talk of their love."
"In reality they were distracted letters, intended to keep the coals alive without putting her hand in the fire, while Florentino Ariza burned himself alive in every line"
"There is no greater glory than to die for love"
"...and if she did not go made with despair it was becuase she always found relief in the memory of Florentino Ariza"
"...consumed in the fiery coals of reckless love"
"He was still too young to know that the heart's memory eliminates the bad and magnifies the good"
"...she saw the splendor of his perfect teeth between his rosy lips, she had felt an irresistible desire to devour him with kisses"
"That was always the case: any event, good or bad, had some relationship to her."
"...and then the being who loved her most, who would love her forever, would not even have the right to die for her."
"Fermina Daza would suffer one moment, one at least but in any event, when the phanotm of the sweetheart she ahd scorned, humiliated, and insulted would appear in her thoughts, and all her happiness would be destroyed"
"...in the hope that another love would cure him of the one that did not allow him to live"
"...she continued to evoke her husband's excellent qualities until daybreak, not reproaching him for any disloyalty other than his having died without her, which was mitiagted by her conviction that he had never belonged to her as much as he did now that he was in the coffin nailed shut with a dozen three-inch nails and two meters under the ground....'I am happy,' she said, 'because only now do I know for certain where he is when he is not at home.' "
"...and it was always without pretensions of loving or being loved, although always in the hope fo finding something that resembled love, but without the problems of love."
" 'I adore you beacuse you made me a whore'."
"...she intoxicated them with her charm."
"...a driving need for love, which no obstacle in this world or the next would ever break."
"...not because he did not want to open the chest where he had kept it so carefully hidden for half his life, but because he had realized only then that he had lost the key" (its a metaphor)
"...cry to her heart's content and to feel no shame, for there was no greater relief than weeping"
"Nor did she cherish that dream agian after her first formal fiance, whom she loved wiht the almost demented passion of which one is capable at the age of eighteen, broke the engagement one week before the date they had set for the wedding, and left her to wander the limbo of abandoned bride"
"In truth, he always behaved as if he were the eternal husband of Fermina Daza, an unfaithful husband but a tenacious one, who fought endlessly to free himself from his servitude without causing her the displeasure of a betrayal."
"...interrupting watever he was doing at any hour of the day to search for her along the uncertain pathways of his presentiments, on the most unlikely streets, in unreal places where she could not possibly be, wandering without reason, with a longing in his breast that gave him no rest until he saw her, even for an instant"
"...would only offer her wordly goods: security, order, happiness, contiguous numbers that once they were added together, might resemble love, almost be love. But they were not love, and these doubts increased her confusion."
"She knew that he loved her above all else, more than anyone else in the world, but only for his own sake..."
"He ws a perfect husband: he never picked up anything form the floor, or turned out a light, or closed a door."
"That is how she felt without him, feeling his presence where he no longer was..."
"...wherever she went wherever she turned, no matter what she was doing, she would come across something of his that would remind her of him."
"Then, overcome by nostalgia, she dared to recall for the first time the illusory days of that unreal love"
"And so she thought about him without wanting to, and the more she thought about him the angrier she became,and the angrier she became the more she thought about him, until it was something so unbearable her mind could no longer contain it."
"The purified memory of her husband, no longer an obstacle in her daily actions, in her private thoughts, in her simplest intentions, became a watchful presence that guided her but did not hinder her."
"...he felt pain in his heart and each beat echoed with a metalllic resonance in his arteries. He felt old, forlorn, useless, and his desire to cry was so urgent that he could not speak"
" 'But when a woman decides to sleep with a man, there is no wall she will not scale, no fortress she will not destory, no moral consideration she will not ignore at its very root: there is no God worth worrying about.' "
"It was as if they had leapt over the arduous calvary of conjugal life and gone straight to the heart of love. Tehy were together in silence like an old married couple wary of lif, beyond the pitfalls of passion, beyond the brutal mockery of hope and the phantoms of disillusion: beyond love. For they had lived together long enough to know that love was always loe, anytime and anyplace, but it was more soild the closer it came to death."
"Neither one could imagine being in any other home but the cabin or eating in any other way but on the ship, or living any other life for that would be alien to them forever. It was indeed, like dying."
) As usual...the quotes that spoke:"...she felt an irresistible longing to begin life with him over again so that they could say what they had left unsaid and do everything right that they had done badly in the past."
"Florentino Ariza, on the other hand, had not stopped thinking of her for a single moment since Fermina Daza had rejected him out of hand after a long and troubled love affair fifty-one years, nine months, and four days ago. He did not have to keep a running tally...because not a day had passed that something did not happen to remind him of her."
"...and that casual glance was the beginning of a cataclysm [love that word!] of love that still had not ended half a century later."
" 'Take advantage of it now, while you are young, and suffer all you can...because these things don't last your whole life.' "
"It was the year they fell into devastaing love. Neither one could do anything except think about the other., dream about the other...Never in that delirious spring, or in the follwoing year did they have the opportunity to speak to each other. Moreover, from the moment they saw each other for the first time until he reiterated his determination half a century later, they never had the opportunity to be alone or to talk of their love."
"In reality they were distracted letters, intended to keep the coals alive without putting her hand in the fire, while Florentino Ariza burned himself alive in every line"
"There is no greater glory than to die for love"
"...and if she did not go made with despair it was becuase she always found relief in the memory of Florentino Ariza"
"...consumed in the fiery coals of reckless love"
"He was still too young to know that the heart's memory eliminates the bad and magnifies the good"
"...she saw the splendor of his perfect teeth between his rosy lips, she had felt an irresistible desire to devour him with kisses"
"That was always the case: any event, good or bad, had some relationship to her."
"...and then the being who loved her most, who would love her forever, would not even have the right to die for her."
"Fermina Daza would suffer one moment, one at least but in any event, when the phanotm of the sweetheart she ahd scorned, humiliated, and insulted would appear in her thoughts, and all her happiness would be destroyed"
"...in the hope that another love would cure him of the one that did not allow him to live"
"...she continued to evoke her husband's excellent qualities until daybreak, not reproaching him for any disloyalty other than his having died without her, which was mitiagted by her conviction that he had never belonged to her as much as he did now that he was in the coffin nailed shut with a dozen three-inch nails and two meters under the ground....'I am happy,' she said, 'because only now do I know for certain where he is when he is not at home.' "
"...and it was always without pretensions of loving or being loved, although always in the hope fo finding something that resembled love, but without the problems of love."
" 'I adore you beacuse you made me a whore'."
"...she intoxicated them with her charm."
"...a driving need for love, which no obstacle in this world or the next would ever break."
"...not because he did not want to open the chest where he had kept it so carefully hidden for half his life, but because he had realized only then that he had lost the key" (its a metaphor)
"...cry to her heart's content and to feel no shame, for there was no greater relief than weeping"
"Nor did she cherish that dream agian after her first formal fiance, whom she loved wiht the almost demented passion of which one is capable at the age of eighteen, broke the engagement one week before the date they had set for the wedding, and left her to wander the limbo of abandoned bride"
"In truth, he always behaved as if he were the eternal husband of Fermina Daza, an unfaithful husband but a tenacious one, who fought endlessly to free himself from his servitude without causing her the displeasure of a betrayal."
"...interrupting watever he was doing at any hour of the day to search for her along the uncertain pathways of his presentiments, on the most unlikely streets, in unreal places where she could not possibly be, wandering without reason, with a longing in his breast that gave him no rest until he saw her, even for an instant"
"...would only offer her wordly goods: security, order, happiness, contiguous numbers that once they were added together, might resemble love, almost be love. But they were not love, and these doubts increased her confusion."
"She knew that he loved her above all else, more than anyone else in the world, but only for his own sake..."
"He ws a perfect husband: he never picked up anything form the floor, or turned out a light, or closed a door."
"That is how she felt without him, feeling his presence where he no longer was..."
"...wherever she went wherever she turned, no matter what she was doing, she would come across something of his that would remind her of him."
"Then, overcome by nostalgia, she dared to recall for the first time the illusory days of that unreal love"
"And so she thought about him without wanting to, and the more she thought about him the angrier she became,and the angrier she became the more she thought about him, until it was something so unbearable her mind could no longer contain it."
"The purified memory of her husband, no longer an obstacle in her daily actions, in her private thoughts, in her simplest intentions, became a watchful presence that guided her but did not hinder her."
"...he felt pain in his heart and each beat echoed with a metalllic resonance in his arteries. He felt old, forlorn, useless, and his desire to cry was so urgent that he could not speak"
" 'But when a woman decides to sleep with a man, there is no wall she will not scale, no fortress she will not destory, no moral consideration she will not ignore at its very root: there is no God worth worrying about.' "
"It was as if they had leapt over the arduous calvary of conjugal life and gone straight to the heart of love. Tehy were together in silence like an old married couple wary of lif, beyond the pitfalls of passion, beyond the brutal mockery of hope and the phantoms of disillusion: beyond love. For they had lived together long enough to know that love was always loe, anytime and anyplace, but it was more soild the closer it came to death."
"Neither one could imagine being in any other home but the cabin or eating in any other way but on the ship, or living any other life for that would be alien to them forever. It was indeed, like dying."
The Future Claire Zachanassian?: The Visit Quotes
"Claire Zachanassian: We kissed each other on this spot. More than
fifty years ago. We loved each other under these boughs, under these
bushes, among these toadstools on the moss. I was seventeen, and you
weren’t quite twenty. Then you married Matilda Blumhard with her little
general store, and I married old Zachanassian with his millions from
Armenia. He found me in a brothel. In Hamburg….
fifty years ago. We loved each other under these boughs, under these
bushes, among these toadstools on the moss. I was seventeen, and you
weren’t quite twenty. Then you married Matilda Blumhard with her little
general store, and I married old Zachanassian with his millions from
Armenia. He found me in a brothel. In Hamburg….
Ill: It was for your sake I married Matilda Blumhard.
Claire: She had money.
Ill: You were young and beautiful. The future belonged to you. I wanted you to be happy. So I had to renounce being happy myself. (WHAT A BULLSHIT LIE...IF I WERE CLAIRE I PROBABLY WOULD'VE STRANGLED YOU RIGHT THERE AND THEN)
Claire: And now the future’s here.
Ill: If you’d stayed here, you’d have been ruined like me.
Claire: Are you ruined?
Ill: A broken-down shopkeeper in a broken-down town.
Claire: Now it’s me who has the money.
Ill: I’ve been living in hell since you went away from me.
Claire: And I’ve grown into hell itself.”
.. ..
“Claire: Didn’t little Matilda make you happy?
Ill: Your happiness is what matters.”
.. ..
“Ill: I lead a laughable life. Never once really managed to leave this township….
Claire: Why bother, anyway. I know what the world’s like.
Ill: Because you’ve always been able to travel.
Claire: Because I own it.”
.. ..
"She's unkillable, she's unkillable."
.. ..
“Ill: My little sorceress! You can’t ask that! It was long ago. Life went on.
Claire: Life went on, and I’ve forgotten nothing, Ill. Neither Konrad’s Village Wood, nor Petersens’ Barn; neither Widow Boll’s bedroom, nor you treachery. And now we’re old, the pair of us. You decrepit, and me cut to bits by the surgeons’ knives. And now I want accounts between us settled. You chose your life, but you forced me into mine. A moment ago you wanted to time turned back, in that wood so full of the past, where we spent our young years. Well I’m turning it back now, and I want justice. Justice for a million.”
.. ..
“Claire: Your hopes were lunacy, you perseverance pointless, and you self-sacrifice foolish; you lives have been a useless waste….but as I watched the silhouette of Petersens’ Barn sinking away on the other side of the frost-flowers, I swore a vow to myself, I would come back again, one day. I’ve come back now."
.. ..
“You should only have husbands for display purposes, they shouldn’t be useful.”
.. ..
“
Your love died many years ago. But my love could not die. Neither could it live. It grew into an evil thing, like me, like the pallid mushrooms in this wood, and the blind, twisted features of the roots, all vergrown by my golden millions. Their tentacles sought you out, to take your life, because your life belonged to me, for ever. You are in their toils now, and you are lost. You will soon be no more than a dead love in my memory, a gentle ghost haunting the wreckage of a house.”
Perhaps you've misunderstood
“You can do so much better…” We’ve both heard that from many sources and know that many more have silently thought it throughout the time we spent together. I even told you that I can, but perhaps you didn’t realize that so can you. There will ALWAYS be better. Smarter, funnier, skinnier, nicer, richer, faster, more charismatic, those who will be better mothers/fathers, better musicians, better in bed, better boyfriends/girlfriends…better than me, better than you. But this is where love comes in. You don’t love someone because they are the best by anyone else’s standards. You love them for who they are flaws and all. Love means choosing that ONE person ut of the billions of people in the world, not because they are the best you can get, but because they are the only one you want. If the most amazingly perfect person fell from the heavens and offered you the most wonderful future you can imagine, you would decline in a second because of love. You’re willing to do whatever it takes to be with that person. You compromise, you fight but you do whatever it takes to work it out because being without them isn’t worth anything you can possibly think of….You work together, you forgive, you help them when they fall down.…Even when it feels like the entire world is against you, is just waiting for you to fail, having that one person on your side, knowing that they love you and that they will always love you no matter what happens, it can pull you through the most difficult moments in life. I’m not sure if you know what that feels like, but it kept me alive. No matter how bad things got, I always had your love. You can laugh as much as you want, you can ignore it, you can call me pathetic, but it is what it is. You made me feel good enough (for the first time in my life), you made me feel as though by holding on, things would eventually be okay. I honestly don’t know what will happen now that I no longer have that feeling of hope, of being loved no matter what, but I am sorry. I’m sorry if I never gave you that feeling. I’m sorry if I ever made you feel inadequate. Know that more than anything, you were always and will always be my Prince Charming, my gift from above, my angel in disguise. I love you more than anyone and anything. I hope one day you will understand that feeling and understand just how much I care.
Hmmm....Decisions Decisions
I actually looking forward to summer this year (its a long story don't ask) I'm usually really bored but this year it seems like I have SO much to do and so little time to do it. I'm really upset that I have to choose between these but here are the options:
a) Paid internship (assuming I get in of course :P )
b) Willy Wonka Musical (it might provide lots of erm...opportunities *cough* maybe...we'll see what happens)
c) Summer II
d) Vacation to the best place ever!!! Where I can party and live and "experience" :)
I can pick 3 max. (more likely 2 though...I don't want to explode over the summer you know)
*mmmmeeeeehhhh* I don't know what to do...I want it all! I don't know which ones I want the most either*ugh*...
a) Paid internship (assuming I get in of course :P )
b) Willy Wonka Musical (it might provide lots of erm...opportunities *cough* maybe...we'll see what happens)
c) Summer II
d) Vacation to the best place ever!!! Where I can party and live and "experience" :)
I can pick 3 max. (more likely 2 though...I don't want to explode over the summer you know)
*mmmmeeeeehhhh* I don't know what to do...I want it all! I don't know which ones I want the most either*ugh*...
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